Wairimuouma's Blog

Lately I have been thinking, what if love indeed ruled the world

I would be able to admire the grocery guy in peace, without shame of his job or accent and

Beauty would be judged not by the clothes you wear or by how much money you have but for who you are, for no one would design an opinion for you

Where love would be real, pure and un-adulated by so much negativity, commercialization as it i today, where we would dream of the future unafraid of the past

Where wrong would not be accepted by society then worsened by it but instead corrected and erased

Where I really did what my heart told me and sincerely minded of my friends welfare. Where I was unafraid to tell, afraid to tell a stranger that she looked beautiful

Where I would not think twice about who I want to be in life even though I know it,

Where I would fully serve society and not my financial needs

Where I would be, where I could be, where I am, me

For I feel original but cannot show it because I have been made to live faking, it I tried the truth of myself, I would be questionable

I try, but only realize when the chance is gone that am wrong and maybe,

 am fake anyway!!!

It was a cold November night and I was in one of my field trips, I remember vividly it was the raining season and a power blackout at the simple lodge that I was sleeping in had made the place boring. My colleagues had to go out, quite older than me, I was unsure because I had gone out with them before and knew their unfamiliar ways that I dint fit into. But the lights, Ah, I thought, what did I have to lose, it was still too early to sleep, so I went to my room and changed my skirt and wore a trouser, (the biting cold).
As we made way into the club whose name contradicted the temperature and the mood that the season brought, I could not help but notice the presence of very young girls all over the place. It was a disturbing and saddening state of affairs. As we made our entry, a routine check by the bouncers was done, I dint know whether it was the norm or a resultant of the Al-shaabab threat, either way, this would later become a source of conflict between the bouncer and I. We sat, and the waiter swiftly came to take our orders, so swift was he that I had to look around for presence of any superior eyes.
I had a laugh was from a man who, clearly very intoxicated, was “dancing” on the floor, picture a monkey and a monkey both transcended to be a human, then put them in the body of a stiff old drunk man. It was terrible! The best I could do was get embarrassed on his behalf. If that was someone I knew I would disown them for the rest of my life. The old chap was not left behind in getting some young blood, I gagged and laughed at the same time at his girl, sometimes stopping to observe and try to get in tune with what he was doing, eventually she left and paved way for a voluminous middle-aged woman well suited to be old guys companion. They kept us well entertained until the dance floor was too crowded to see them.
There was a very pretty girl in a yellow top, heck she would very well be Kenya next top model if Tyra come around. I sincerely wanted to ask her what she was doing there and tell her that if she felt her body was the only way to get ahead, there were more sustainable and morally right ways to do it.
The aim of this post is not to condemn them but to highlight a problem, Asa’s song ‘fire on the mountain’’ is the best way I can think of to describe what is happening, it goes… ‘There is fire on the mountain, and nobody seems to be on the run….’’The statement reflects the state of affairs, so many decent looking girls on the streets and so few people to guide them on their way. As I sat on and got bored by the music and the crowed, slowly cursing the lights for not being there, the people for enjoying themselves, and the music…the music! Cringe! A young girl, pretty simple and cheap came and sat next to one of my seniors, she looked healthy and soft, I wished she was not there. Yet she was unashamed and did not seem bothered. It has to take some serious guts to get to that point.

I came across this book during one of my trips to the KFS HQ library and i must say it is quite an interesting read. Set in a time before i was born it enlightens me on how exactly HIV became an epidemic in Kenya.
The story is quite descriptive and the author remarkably transports you back in time. Worth noting is how things change but stay the same for all that is in the story still happens. I related to it, being a fresh graduate from campus and having been caught up in my own web of suitors and it accompanied problems. None of them is around anymore since i graduated despite the undying love i had for one.
There is remarkable gender balance with misfortunes befalling both men and women. I however wish that the writer would have gone a little bit more into the lives of Dr. J. Munguti and Irene.
The book leaves one in question as to whether AIDS and HIV will leave the society soon. The “spider web” of relationships that leads to STIs is still so rampant today (WACHENI MPANDO WA KANDO CAMPAIN).
The book does not seem to give a overparticular solution to the problem, probably because it is set in a time when there is still so little know about the disease. However, it makes me realize that the passe at which society is moving is very slow for sexuality in Kenya is still not being given the openness it deserves.
All in all, the book had threatened to keep me up all night and i enjoyed it till the end, finishing it in about 4hours (on and off).

We have all been born to a corrupt world

And it has corrupt us to a point that it’s inborn and natural
We lie to everyone and everything around us including us
We cheat in school to get good grades
Leaders corrupt their way up and we blame them but are we really any different from them?
I think there is no difference between a poor person who uses his need to manipulate a lady in the street to get some loot and the CEO of a huge company opening a new branch in a new place resulting in the pushing out existing small businesses,
It is a corruption it just gets higher as you climb up the social ladder

I know I am corrupt and ashamed of myself but at a loss at who to turn to as no one tells me am wrong but me
Some say it is genius, others wonder why they dint think of that
But I know it is wrong, and when I explain it’s all in vain
Don’t we all see the society as it is?
Am scared, my corrupt self was so that I could live well in school but what happens when I go out there and get a mortgage and banks turn corrupt on me and I in turn get corrupt on my employer who corrupts the customers, is it not a never ending cycle?
How can I help myself to overcome this corrupt behavior in me that I have so well enough grown up with that is a clear part of me?
How can I teach my children to resist this corrupt world and grow up upright?
Am sorry that some of our leaders are at the Haugue
I do not blame them through, I understand their behavior
I just question the sustainability of the solution
Cant the world look into the real issues of the society which are not crime related but moral related?
This is a sick world we live in.
We need a new revolution. I do not feel it safe for any new generation
No one is better than the other, we are all guilty and responsible
For making this a corrupt world.

There are times I find myself wishing I was different, that maybe if I had worked harder all through primary school and high school that my life would be different, better. I wonder whose fault it was, was I not listening well enough or what. See this is a result of being looked down upon by men; they don’t even expect us to succeed and now that I know this I wish I had focused and excelled all through school because I know I can do it, it just did not seem like a problem then and if I had anticipated this, my grades would have been untouchable because I know I can.
Even still, I wonder if I am better than any other woman I see around me, I know I am not, but I feel like a commoner, seeing people in a higher light than myself and only feeling special when I am alone.
Every time I view the media and listen to the women in power and wonder if it’s just them, where are their husbands to watch them address state functions as would wives. If equality will continue to be a subject for women to be discussed in women summits attended by women. Will I be able to rise above myself and surroundings to be a point of reference and if I am really worth. Society is showing me that men run the world. Of 190 heads of state, ten are women. Of all the parliaments around the world, 13% of those seats are held by women. Corporate America top jobs, 15% are women; numbers which have not moved at all in the past nine years. Nine years. Of full professors around the United States, only 24% are women. I need not to state the same affairs in Kenya for the media keeps recycling the same old faces of women leaders, this week’s copy of The East African No 878 (The Sisterhood Project) had stories of top east African women and it featured Mary Leakey, now am not suggesting that this is wrong but where are the new faces to fill up that issue of 2011, what are young women up to now?
If my life will constitute marriage and its disappointment that I seem to so oftenly witness. Whenever I ask for advice my perception is tarnished, should I refuse to listen and be oblivious or should I listen and walk around heavy hearted each time.
Should I endure the disrespect of being a woman in regard to achievement and education and resign myself to the traditionalist roles of a woman of chores and children. Children? That is completely out for me for I feel like a lost soul, trying so hard to create my own meaning out of this world, I would be mad to willingly allow someone else to go through this life unless I was sure they could make it, boy or girl.
Why is the world as it is? The inequality, status quo, corruption, how did we allow ourselves to get here?
This unfulfilling world pains me, and it’s really long, am turning 21 and with the life expectancy of a Kenyan woman about 45, am barely half way there , then will have expected me to have a child and gravity will begin laying claim of me. Yet I really want to rise above this societal mess I have found myself in.
*sigh!! *

I need to think!

I need to solve my problems

I need to think

I need to figure myself out

I have just finished campus and reality is sticking hard

I stopped dreaming and now I need to start dreaming again

I need renewed hope, something to live for and die for

I want many things

But of late, I reflect on myself and get more and more disappointed

No personal philosophy

No values I would die for

Not hardworking

Not attaining my goal

I need to think and act,

I wish I could slap myself sometimes

For how can doing the right thing be so hard?

I need to think and dream

I want to feel new hope

I want o love but love?

I need to learn, detox, and exercise

I need to write

I need to feel like a better person

I need to watch my health

I need…